dear [restless sleep],

QUiet iNdiGo.

A toss and turn,

a game of mind.

No rest for the weary,

life’s simple bind.

Cool sheets call softly,

yet the buzzing o’ertakes.

A hurried, hectic life

responsibility makes.

And as the mind seems

like it might soon burst,

or the sunny side grows dim

as thoughts turn for the worst.

Where does one find solace?

Is there ever peace?

When will the endless list

finally just…cease?

Hold on tight,

take a deep breath.

“This will only make you stronger”

that is, if it doesn’t bring you death.

Yet on my knees,

that’s where I catch some hope.

Brush off the dust and stand up tall,

no time to sit and mope.

Then, looking forward,

past all daunting tasks ahead,

it’s time to push along

and trust in what He’s said.

dear [refuge],

The basic principle of etiquette: you need to know yourself so that you can forget yourself and focus on others (unless of course your ultimate goal in life is to be self-centered and egotistical...then by all means, continue to fret over you). And although I completely and utterly agree with this idea of living, I think there are definitely times when a person just needs to be alone with nothing to worry about but themselves.
I don't know how other people are, but I am someone who has to deal with problems on their own. I have no idea why, but I just don't enjoy admitting that something is going wrong with my life, so I often retreat to any place where I can find solitude and mull over whatever it is that's eating at my brains. Often times I escape through the magical world of music - releasing any and all emotion through my fingers as I pound them into the ebony and ivory.


I think that everyone needs a little something to help them escape.

ref-uge [ref-yooj]
–noun

1. shelter or protection from danger, trouble, etc.: to take refuge from a storm.

2. a place of shelter, protection, or safety.

3. anything to which one has recourse for aid, relief, or escape.

It was a story by Terry Tempest Williams (actually called Refuge oddly enough) that sparked this little thought - from her description of being alone on the Salt Flats in Utah:

"Only the land's mercy and a calm mind can save my soul. And it is here I find grace...Perhaps that is why every pilgrimage to the desert is a pilgrimage to the self. There is no place to hide, and so we are found."

How profound, the idea that we find ourselves only when there is nothing else to look for.

And it's only once we've found ourselves that we can forget ourselves and go to work.

dear [irony],

Do you ever find that as soon as you can finally have what you've wanted for so long, you no longer want it? Something you wanted so badly that you could feel it tugging at the very edges of your heart, trying to convince you that it was a need?
Psh, irony.I used to think it was a beautiful thing - my favorite books always have the ironic twists. I don't exactly know why, but I find something magically enchanting about irony....that is until it comes into my life. Now I find myself staring into its wily eyes while it smirks at me as if asking, "wait, isn't this what you wanted?"
It causes a lot of mental conflict. For two years I tried so hard to not want this thing...to move on. And finally one day I found myself out of the desire, just like that. It was the most liberating feeling, just to suddenly realize that I was finally free of this nagging notion. And, of course, once I finally feel like I can move on with my life, I have the option to get what I used to want. I feel like there's a little irony fairy who flies around just looking for opportunities to cause confusion. I'm sure he's just been hovering over me for years just waiting for the perfect moment to swish his little sardonic wand.

It's at times like this that we always second-guess ourselves. Maybe he's not so much the irony fairy as the test of truth: to reveal where your heart truly lies. It's during this time that I've found myself wondering if I feel the way I do now because that's how I feel or because that's how my parents, friends, and my pragmatic mind have been telling me I should feel. The moment will come where I'm almost positive that I know where I stand...and then questions will pop into my head like annoying little mosquitoes, gnawing at the places where doubt is most likely to grow.
So what is it we do now? How do we ever come to a conclusion of how we truly feel?
I think the answer is that we will never truly know what the best thing to do is. There are times when the reason and rhyme behind a trial will be revealed, and everything will make beautiful and perfect sense. But there are definitely times where we will never know why we were supposed to make the decision we did - and we could wander through our whole lives waiting, just wondering when the answer will come. It's during these trials that I think the most people lose hope: in themselves, in others, in the world. It's a trial like this that I am standing in the extremely murky, sticky middle of...and I am looking toward a single direction but I can't help but give some feed to the myriad mini-mosquitoes that are telling me I could possibly be wrong.
How disconcerting, to know you could be wrong...and that this is how life always will be.
In my eyes, the only solution is illustrated by this poem by Joaquin Miller titled "Columbus":

Behind him lay the great Azores,
Behind the Gates of Hercules:
Before him not the ghost of shores,
Before him only shoreless seas.
The good mate said, "Now we must pray,
For lo! The very stars are gone.
Brave Adm'r'l, speak; what shall I say?"
"Why, say: 'Sail on! Sail on! And on!"
Then, pale and worn, he kept his deck,
And peered through darkness. Ah, that night
Of all dark nights! And then a speck -
A light! A light! A light! A light!
It grew, a starlit flag unfurled!
It grew to be Time's burst of dawn.
He gained a world; he gave that world
Its grandest lesson:
"On! Sail on!"

So, Mr. Irony, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to stare you right in the eyes and tell you to bring it on. It may be scary, and I could be wrong, but I'm going to do what's gotten me through life thus far: trust my gut, bite the bullet, and hope for the best.

dear [disbelief],

Hello.
Welcome to the little world inside of my mind. I can honestly say that I never, ever imagined that I would catch myself "blogging"...but then I was reading my sister-in-law's blog and she talked about taking a step beyond your comfort zone to reach the true and inner you. So now here I am, typing my very first blog, and to be honest...I think it will be good for me. I love to write, especially when I'm writing my thoughts, ideas, opinions, etc. But since being college bound, I haven't had much of a chance for that, and it has gotten to the point where I feel like all of the little translucent bubbles of ideas that used to bounce around have become so cramped and crowded to the point that they've popped and now sticky bubble mix is oozing out of the crevices of my brain. So this blog is basically the little plastic wand that I will use to blow larger bubbles with to give that oozing substance some room.
But here's the catch - I'm not going to tell anyone about my blog. It's just going to be floating out here, in existence, just like a giant, sparkly, translucent bubble would. So if you're reading this now, congratulations. You've stumbled across my little patch of land and I'm happy to share with you. We're basically in a secret club together, just like you always wanted to have back in the day when scraped knees and NSYNC were cool (or at least I always wanted to have one - maybe you didn't but too bad, because now you're a part of the club). Of course, I'm not a very demanding or tyrannous person, so you are free to leave this awesome club whenever you'd like. It's your choice.
Anyway, just brace yourself for a lot of random, irrelevant babble. I'd like to say it will be poetry, but I'm not going to disgrace Shakespeare or Emerson by claiming my work to be as great as theirs. It's just a bunch of little nothings. But I've learned that sometimes a little piece of nothing to one person can mean a huge slice of everything (or at least something) to another. I hope to be able to do that for you...because that's what we do in our secret club: we're here to make the world a better place.
So here's to you. I promise to try and make your day better in one way or another.
xoxo,
mea