dear [irony],

Do you ever find that as soon as you can finally have what you've wanted for so long, you no longer want it? Something you wanted so badly that you could feel it tugging at the very edges of your heart, trying to convince you that it was a need?
Psh, irony.I used to think it was a beautiful thing - my favorite books always have the ironic twists. I don't exactly know why, but I find something magically enchanting about irony....that is until it comes into my life. Now I find myself staring into its wily eyes while it smirks at me as if asking, "wait, isn't this what you wanted?"
It causes a lot of mental conflict. For two years I tried so hard to not want this thing...to move on. And finally one day I found myself out of the desire, just like that. It was the most liberating feeling, just to suddenly realize that I was finally free of this nagging notion. And, of course, once I finally feel like I can move on with my life, I have the option to get what I used to want. I feel like there's a little irony fairy who flies around just looking for opportunities to cause confusion. I'm sure he's just been hovering over me for years just waiting for the perfect moment to swish his little sardonic wand.

It's at times like this that we always second-guess ourselves. Maybe he's not so much the irony fairy as the test of truth: to reveal where your heart truly lies. It's during this time that I've found myself wondering if I feel the way I do now because that's how I feel or because that's how my parents, friends, and my pragmatic mind have been telling me I should feel. The moment will come where I'm almost positive that I know where I stand...and then questions will pop into my head like annoying little mosquitoes, gnawing at the places where doubt is most likely to grow.
So what is it we do now? How do we ever come to a conclusion of how we truly feel?
I think the answer is that we will never truly know what the best thing to do is. There are times when the reason and rhyme behind a trial will be revealed, and everything will make beautiful and perfect sense. But there are definitely times where we will never know why we were supposed to make the decision we did - and we could wander through our whole lives waiting, just wondering when the answer will come. It's during these trials that I think the most people lose hope: in themselves, in others, in the world. It's a trial like this that I am standing in the extremely murky, sticky middle of...and I am looking toward a single direction but I can't help but give some feed to the myriad mini-mosquitoes that are telling me I could possibly be wrong.
How disconcerting, to know you could be wrong...and that this is how life always will be.
In my eyes, the only solution is illustrated by this poem by Joaquin Miller titled "Columbus":

Behind him lay the great Azores,
Behind the Gates of Hercules:
Before him not the ghost of shores,
Before him only shoreless seas.
The good mate said, "Now we must pray,
For lo! The very stars are gone.
Brave Adm'r'l, speak; what shall I say?"
"Why, say: 'Sail on! Sail on! And on!"
Then, pale and worn, he kept his deck,
And peered through darkness. Ah, that night
Of all dark nights! And then a speck -
A light! A light! A light! A light!
It grew, a starlit flag unfurled!
It grew to be Time's burst of dawn.
He gained a world; he gave that world
Its grandest lesson:
"On! Sail on!"

So, Mr. Irony, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to stare you right in the eyes and tell you to bring it on. It may be scary, and I could be wrong, but I'm going to do what's gotten me through life thus far: trust my gut, bite the bullet, and hope for the best.